


You Make Me Want Things I Can't Have

by KaCole



Series: Voyager Fictober2018 [8]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Action, F/M, Humour, Mild Smut, Romance, chakotay pushes boundaries, longing for things you think you can't have, multi fic prompt response
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-03 22:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16334780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaCole/pseuds/KaCole
Summary: “Commander Chakotay! I most emphatically am not thinking about having sex with you!”He was speechless and judging by her flustered expression, Kathryn's blood pressure just went through the roof. This needed delicate handling, for sure. But if there was one thing he'd become an expert at over the years, it was handling Kathryn Janeway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a response to the Fictober prompts:   
> #2 "(People like) you have no imagination."  
> #4 "Will that be all?"  
> #6 “I’ve heard enough. This ends here.”  
> I wrote the first chapter and then didn't know how to end it, so it expanded a bit.

Kathryn paused at the junction of the corridor as she heard her own name around the corner. She let her hand rest on the bulkhead and listened. She recognised Ensign Ballard's voice immediately. The other was harder to place.   

“The Captain and Chakotay? You think they ever...?”

Kathryn frowned.

“All that time alone on New Earth. What do you think they were doing for entertainment?” said Ballard.

“Yeah, but since they’ve been back?” It sounded like Jetal.

“Well. It’s not like she has many other options. _I_ sure as hell wouldn’t kick him out of bed.” That was Ballard again, and both women laughed.

Kathryn set her shoulders and marched around the corner. “I’ve heard enough. This speculation about your commanding officers private lives ends here. Do I make myself clear?”

Ensigns Ballard and Jetal jumped to attention, faces both turning scarlet. “Yes Captain. Sorry, Captain.”

#

“Commander, can I speak to you in my ready room?”

Chakotay followed his captain from the bridge.

Her eyes were troubled as she turned to face him across her desk. “The rumour mill is grinding again.”

He sighed. “What is it this time?”

“You and me.”

“What?”

“Speculation about what happened between us on New Earth.”

“Nothing went on between us on New Earth.” Chakotay tugged his ear, and added under his breath. “I’d definitely remember if it had.”

Kathryn wasn’t listening. “Not only that. Suggestive remarks about the nature of our professional relationship since we returned to Voyager.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“As if we would.”

“Exactly.”

They stared at one another.

Chakotay leaned on her desk. “So, what did they say, exactly?”

“I’d rather not repeat it.”

“Well, if I’m going to quash this lower-deck tattle, I need to know what I’m dealing with. ”

Kathryn sighed. “Ensign Ballard said, and I quote, ‘The Captain doesn’t have many other options… and,” Kathryn paused, and rubbed her forehead before continuing. “Ballard said that she wouldn’t kick you out of bed.” The hint of a blush tinged her cheeks.

He tried hard not to smirk, but he wasn’t entirely successful. He didn't exactly mean to ask the next question, either. It just sort of came out. “ _Would_ you kick me out of bed?”

“Yes! No!” She raised a hand, realising that both options had unfortunate connotations. “We are _not_ discussing you in my bed!”

They stared at each other again.

Kathryn looked away first, folding her arms across her chest. “And what did she mean I don’t have many other options?”

“I suppose she meant that I’m your closest peer. Let’s face it, there aren’t too many other Starfleet captains out here in the Delta Quadrant.”

Kathryn stood up and moved to her window, her eyes on the inky blackness of space. This region had very few stars. “Who says I’d want another captain? Equal rank isn’t something I look for in a partner. I’m much more interested in a meeting of minds. Someone who holds similar worldviews and ideals. Someone kind and trustworthy and loyal…” Her eyes drifted back to Chakotay.

“Know anyone like that in the Delta Quadrant?”

Kathryn looked at him for a long time. She opened her mouth and then closed it again.

Chakotay stared at her. “You're... thinking about it,” he said, unable to keep the surprise from his voice.

She raised a hand and shook her head emphatically. “No, I'm not.”

He’d never seen her so ruffled. He had to admit, he liked it. Emboldened, he moved closer and studied her face. “Admit it, you're thinking about whether or not you’d kick me out of bed.”

Her blush deepened to an exquisite shade of scarlet, almost as red as her uniform, but she didn't deny the truth of what he'd said. Nor could she meet his eyes.

Realisation hit him like a plasma charge. “Wait a minute, you're thinking about what would happen if you _didn't_ kick me out of bed.”

“Commander Chakotay! I most emphatically am not thinking about having sex with you!”

He was speechless and judging by her flustered expression, Kathryn's blood pressure just went through the roof. This needed delicate handling, for sure. But if there was one thing he'd become an expert at over the years, it was handling Kathryn Janeway.   

He offered her a half smile. “Well that's a relief. The whole idea is completely ridiculous anyway.”

Kathryn turned sharply. “What do you mean?”

“You manage perfectly well without the need for personal companionship.”

Kathryn’s shoulders tensed. “I'm not an automaton, Chakotay.”

He stepped in closer, but kept his tone light. “Of course not. But what possible benefits could there be to intimacy between us?”

“I'm hard pushed to think of even one,” she said, but she sounded as if she had a hard time believing it.

He leaned in and whispered into her ear, “Then you have no imagination.” He was so close he could see her pupils blown large. He glanced down for an instant at her lips, and then back up. Their eyes locked. Electricity fizzed and crackled inside him as she held the distance without speaking or backing away.

He wouldn't push any further. He’d already crossed the line, been too bold. The next move had to be hers.

But she _didn't_ move.

“Will that be all, Captain?” he said softly, his heart pounding, offering her an escape he desperately hoped she wouldn't take.

Her eyes had never looked so deep, so torn. Finally, she whispered, “You make me want things I can't have.” Her voice was throaty and raw, trapped between longing and regret.

He couldn't breathe, nor find any words.

Then the ship lurched suddenly. She was thrust forward into his arms, and a second later Tuvok’s voice broke the spell. “Captain Janeway please report to the bridge.”

She stepped back, taking only a second to regain her composure. Then she hit her comms badge. “On my way.” She left the ready room without once looking back.


	2. Distractions can be Deadly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voyager is trapped in a gravimetric minefield
> 
> "This was when he admired her most, laser focused, leading them through unknown dangers with barely a feather ruffled. She was magnificent."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Caladeriablue and Devoverest for proof reading and helpful suggestions.

Chakotay followed Kathryn onto the bridge, his heart still pounding from her closeness and the raw emotion in her words. _You make me want things I can't have, too, Kathryn._

But there was no time to dwell on it. The bridge was already alive with alarms and lights. Distractions could be deadly.

“Tuvok, report,” Kathryn said.

“We have struck a gravimetric mine.”

Kathryn raised her hand. “Full stop.”

Chakotay took his place at her side and focused on checking ship’s systems.

“We’re still riding the shockwave,” Tom called. “Reversing thrusters. It’s gonna be a hard stop.”

Kathryn hit her comms badge. “This is the captain. All hands, brace for impact.”

Chakotay dug his fingers into the arms of his chair while _Voyager_ jolted and then shuddered to a stop. To his left, a conduit on the wall buckled, sending a trail of smoke into the air. Control panels around the bridge started to flash and chime in earnest.

Chakotay’s station began feeding him a summary of the damage. “Captain, we’ve got minor casualties, structural damage on decks ten through twelve, and a stress fracture in the port nacelle.”

“Janeway to Engineering. B'Elanna, how are you doing down there?”

There was a hiss of background static. “Captain, I need to vent the plasma conduits to get a repair team into the nacelle.”

“Do it.” Kathryn glanced at Chakotay.

“We’ll still have impulse power,” he said.

“We go nowhere until we know how many more of those mines are out there.” Kathryn snapped towards Tuvok. “Why didn’t we detect the mine before we hit it?”

“It appears to have had cloaking technology.”

Kathryn stood up. “Harry, what do the sensors show?”

“I’m recalibrating to match the harmonics around the detonated mine.” Suddenly the viewscreen showed, scattered all around them, a field of black spheres with silver spikes at intervals across their surface. They phased in and out of visibility, making space shimmer on the viewscreen. “I can't get a lock on their positions. The cloaks remodulate every time I do.”

“Keep trying, Harry.”

“How did we get this far through without setting one off?” Chakotay asked.

Tuvok looked up. “I believe the outer mines are fitted with Schrodinger sensors to allow them to fire and not fire simultaneously.”

“Waiting until we're deep in the field before the first one activates,” Kathryn added, with a look of almost-admiration on her face.

It was a fiendishly clever defense grid. No doubt Kathryn would give her right arm for the ability to vanish from sight at will out here in the Delta Quadrant.

Kathryn set her jaw. “Tuvok, any indication of who left these mines here?”

“Long range scans reveal no life signs in this system. The third planet shows remnants of surface structures and roadways but also high levels of localised super-dense gravimetric disturbances. Such disturbances would have crushed matter at a molecular level, thus rendering the planet uninhabitable.”

“Torres to the bridge.”

“Go ahead, B'Elanna.”

“Captain, we've got a problem. There are subatomic particles seeping in through the micro-fractures in the nacelle. They’re clustering into semi-organic molecules. I've never seen anything like it.”

“Can you set up a containment field?”

“First thing I did. I can hold them once they start to cluster, but it’s impossible to detect the individual particles. As soon as we capture one cluster, another appears.”

Kathryn frowned. “Do these molecules pose any threat?”

“I’m not sure. They become inert once we capture them.”

“I’ll send the doctor to assist with your analysis. Keep me informed. Janeway out.”

Kathryn glanced across at Chakotay. “I don’t like the sound of that.” She hit her comms badge. “Doctor, report to Engineering and assist B’Elanna. There’s some kind of organic molecule entering through a fracture in the warp nacelle.”

“Certainly, Captain.”

A second later Kathryn turned to Harry. “Harry, have you got a clearer picture of the positions of those mines?”

“I think so, Captain. Sending data to the helm.”

Tom shook his head. “It’s going to be tight.”

B’Elanna’s voice came again. “Captain, we need help down here. The particles are coalescing into autonomous self-propelled structures. I think they might be… weapons.”

Kathryn nodded at Tuvok, who immediately left the bridge. “Security team is on its way,” she told B'Elanna.

Chakotay surveyed the officers remaining on the bridge. “Ballard, take tactical.”

“Aye, sir.”

The ship rocked. Smoke was pouring from the buckled conduit now. Kathryn pitched forward, but she recovered quickly, as she always did.

“Captain, the mines are shifting position,” Harry said.

“Tom, can you compensate?”

“Hold on!” Tom yelled.

_Voyager_ pitched to the left. “I'm re-scanning!” Harry yelled. “They've shifted simultaneously; point three, seven, mark nine. Sending new data, now.”

The ship lurched again as another gravimetric shockwave hit. Harry screamed. Chakotay turned to see him flung backwards, clutching his face. Choking smoke poured from his control panel. By the time Chakotay reached him, the Ensign's face was blackened and his hair singed. “Harry?”

“I can't see, Commander.”

“Hang on, Harry. We’ll get you to sickbay as soon as we're out of here.”

Chakotay eased Harry to the floor and then took over his station. The mines were shifting again. He cursed under his breath and sent the new data to the helm.

Tom turned the ship hard to port to avoid another mine. “Just stay still, why don’t you?” he grumbled. Every time he laid in a new heading the mines moved. _Voyager_  wasn't like a shuttlecraft, even Tom couldn't turn an Intrepid Class starship on a pinhead.

The heat on the bridge was rising, smoke filling the air, warning lights flashing, and at the middle of it all, cool and in command, was Kathryn.

Another shift. Updated sensor information. Tom steered _Voyager_ slightly to port before raising her pitch abruptly to avoid a mine dead ahead. The deck jerked. Chakotay gripped the damaged console to stay on his feet. Alarms blared.

The mines shifted yet again, a bigger jump this time, and now _Voyager_ was right on top of one. Tom flung the ship sideways, but it was too late. He shot forward against his instrument panel.

When _Voyager_ stopped shaking enough for Kathryn to survey her bridge, Tom was stooped over the conn, a trickle of blood running from his forehead. Cursing, Kathryn eased him out of the chair and to the floor.

She glanced at Chakotay. “It's been a while since I've taken the helm.”

If anyone could do it, she could. His faith in her never wavered. “New data coming your way, Captain,” he said. This was when he admired her most, laser focused, leading them through unknown dangers with barely a feather ruffled. She was magnificent.

“All right. It's you and me, Chakotay. Let's get the hell out of here.”

Kathryn eased _Voyager_ to starboard, and adjusted her pitch.

“Mine directly ahead,” Chakotay yelled.

“I see it!”

“Tuvok to Janeway. A bioweapon is attempting to gain access to the bridge.”

An explosion thudded deep inside the turbolift shaft. The noise all around was almost unbearable. Another console sparked and a crewman screamed and fell. The acrid smell of burning filled Chakotay’s lungs, and his eyes stung.

Chakotay surveyed the personnel still upright on the bridge. “Ballard, cover the doors. We don't need company up here right now.” His panel bleeped again, one of many alarms in the chaos, indicating yet another shift in the minefield. “Captain, more course change data coming through!”

Kathryn jerked her attention back to the conn. Again, she adjusted course. “What the hell are they doing?”

“I think they're forcing us towards...” On the view screen, a mine many times larger than the others loomed. Taking his cue from his captain, Chakotay set his jaw against the fear simmering in his gut. “Dead ahead. It's a hundred times more powerful than the others.”

Kathryn adjusted course again. The mine was perilously close. She wrenched _Voyager_ away from the giant mine, and immediately adjusted course to avoid veering into the next one.

Chakotay swiveled around as an explosion tore through the turbolift doors, knocking Ballard backwards. An aerial drone buzzed through the hole, about the size of a soccer ball, with two laser weapons on each side. It headed straight for Kathryn’s unguarded back. She was completely vulnerable. Heart hammering, Chakotay leapt between the device and Kathryn, phaser drawn.

The black sphere fired, and so did he. A flash of crimson. Pain seared his belly, but the drone’s shell cracked and thudded to the floor. He clutched his stomach.

Kathryn glanced back, her eyes wide, her expression tormented. “Chakotay!”

The ship lurched again, forcing her attention back to the conn. The last thing Chakotay saw before he fell was his captain, using every iota of concentration she possessed to navigate _Voyager_ through the deadly shifting minefield.


	3. A Little Discomfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is the resolution. For anyone wondering if poor old Chakotay had survived that blast, fear not!

Kathryn stepped into the shower rubbing her stiff shoulder. What a day. But they had gotten through it, together. Ensign Ballard had told her how Chakotay had flung himself in front of the alien weapon to give her time to get  _ Voyager _ clear of the minefield.

Chakotay. He always had her back. He was her first officer. Her closest friend.

_ You make me want things I can't have. _

The memory stabbed her. She tried to push it away and focus on washing. She lathered her long hair in sheerberry and lime shampoo, and tried to focus on something else.  _ Anything _ else.

But her thoughts soon drifted. If they could navigate their way through a cloaked, shifting gravimetric minefield together, surely they could navigate a shipboard relationship?

It wasn't the unknown that scared her, far from it. She had an adventurer’s heart. What was scaring her was the thought of losing sight of the goal: getting the crew home. That's all that mattered. Her crew. Her people. Some captains thought a ship and its crew belonged to them, but Kathryn knew better.  _ She _ belonged to  _ them _ . To  _ Voyager _ , to every man, woman and child aboard. How could she bind her heart to one man and still hold true to her vow to get them all home?

Chakotay’s words from New Earth came unbidden into her mind.  _ I can't sacrifice the present for a future that might never happen. _

What if he was right? What if they both deserved a little happiness along the way? If it came to it and they had to live their lives in the Delta Quadrant, did she really want to live hers alone?  

Kathryn sighed. This was all too difficult to fathom. The very least she could do was see if he was all right, after he’d thrown himself between her and that weapon. 

Kathryn finished washing and got out of the shower wrapped in a towel. She dressed quickly and hurried out of the door before she had time to change her mind.

#

Chakotay was fretting in his quarters. Earlier today, in Kathryn’s ready room, before they had strayed into the minefield, he'd pushed the boundaries of their relationship too far. What must she be thinking now? If today’s trouble had shown him anything it was that she needed to be all captain. Distractions like the one he’d landed on her could get them all killed.  

Yet, “ _ You make me want things I can’t have” _ was a mixed message if he ever heard one. She wouldn’t  _ want _ to kick him out of bed, but the cool, hard fact was she would never let him  _ in _ her bed in the first place. Still, he should apologise. Let her dress him down and redefine the parameters of their relationship again. He took a deep breath. He’d better do it now or he’d lose his nerve. He walked to the door, his shoulders slack, feet like lead. This would hurt like hell. He felt like a man about to be crushed. 

He opened the door. Kathryn stood immediately outside, hand raised to the chime.

“Captain?” He couldn't hide his surprise.

“Going somewhere?” Her eyes darted past him into his room and then to the corridor behind her. “We can talk later if you’re busy.” She took a step back.

“No. I mean, yes, but I was coming to see you. Come in.”

He stepped back and gestured to the sofa. “Please, Captain, have a seat.” She continued to stand, looking around his room. He wished he knew what she was thinking. She looked so uncomfortable, and it pained him that he’d put her in this position.  

Chakotay sat on the sofa, hoping she would take the cue. If they could do this sitting down like friends, it would be easier for him, and hopefully for her too. 

She finally sat. “I missed you in sickbay. I wanted to know if you were all right.” She looked at him, her eyes softening. “Ballard told me you put yourself in harm’s way to protect me.”

He chose his words much more judiciously than he had this morning. “I did my job so you could do yours, Captain. You flew us safely out of that minefield, so I’d say it was worth it.”

She smiled, a little sadly, and reached over to briefly squeeze his arm. “You always have my back, Chakotay.”

“Always. And… I want to apologise for what I said this morning. I was way out of line. It obviously made you uncomfortable. It won’t happen again.”

Kathryn tilted her head to one side. “You know, I’ve never thought that a little discomfort is a bad thing. Discomfort forces us to learn, and change, and grow. Heaven knows we’ve plenty to adapt to out here in the Delta Quadrant.” 

“Agreed.” He wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this, so he remained silent.

She sighed and turned her face towards him. Her voice became softer. “I’m not completely lacking in imagination. Nor am I blind to who you are. Kind and trustworthy and loyal.”

He smiled, but didn’t move towards her.

Kathryn seemed to stall, as if she didn’t know quite what to say next. For once, though, he didn’t help her. She’d have to get wherever she was going on her own.

“I suppose, what I am asking, if I’m honest, and you know I always try to be honest, brutally so, sometimes…” she closed her eyes briefly. “What I’m trying to ask you is… would you kick  _ me _ out of bed?”

“I’d never kick you out of anywhere,” he said carefully. “Especially out of my bed, if I was fortunate enough to find you in it.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” she whispered.

His restraint dissolved. He moved closer, hypnotised by the rawness in her eyes. “What are you saying, Kathryn?”

She gazed into him, her face reddened, her breathy voice spilling out in a rush. “That changing our relationship might be tricky to navigate. We’ll probably have to negotiate some tight spots. I’ll still have to send you on dangerous missions, possibly to your death. We’ll have to be discreet and think of the impact on the rest of the crew, but I—”

Chakotay’s resolve snapped. He leaned in and kissed her.

She was startled, her lips and body filled with tension. But moments later she relaxed in his arms and kissed him back. The kiss felt like forever, the age of the universe and more. He drew her closer, slipping his hands to her small waist, and around her back. She didn’t pull away. She held him closer and let her tongue begin to probe and explore his mouth, making small noises of desire that made him burn hotter. Here she was, in his arms, and after wanting her for so long it almost felt like a dream.  

He didn’t want it to end, but finally he pulled back to look at her face, to see her and believe this was really happening. She was breathing heavily now, full of need and want and unanswered questions.  

She bit her lip, and then seemed to come to a decision. “I think you’re about to find me in your bed.” She stood up and offered him her hand. 

He took it, and let her sweep him along, still a little afraid she would change her mind. But then they were tumbling onto his bed, kissing and holding one another, fumbling out of their uniforms until she was naked beside him.

“Not kicking me out?” she whispered, reaching for him.

He gasped at her touch. 

“I’m not letting you go anywhere.” He kissed her again, and found where to touch her to make her gasp, too. He grinned and pinned her beneath him, smothering her throat with kisses. “I’m going to give you everything you thought you couldn’t have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for supporting this story with kudos and comments!
> 
> If you've enjoyed this story, I'm going to start posting another, long fic called "Another Life" in early November. To make sure you don't miss it, subscribe to my feed by clicking "subscribe" on the top right hand side of my page under my user name. X

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't beta read. Anyone who can spare the time to beta the next two chapters (about 2,500 words) would have my undying gratitude. Happy to beta in return.


End file.
